illustrated moment

making sense with words and pictures


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How to be a writer in 10 easy steps

im writer

I am here to give you the only foolproof method to become an awesome writer. Following the steps below will ensure that you can sit in a swanky coffee shop, your laptop open in front of you with a hot beverage at hand, without looking like a fraud. Being a writer is the dream – you are employed full-time by your imagination and your creative fire – that’s why you need to take note of the 10 awesome steps on how to become a writer:

Step 1. Google something unrelated – do this for several hours at a time

I may call it research but the rest of the universe seems to call it time-wasting – whatever. Whether it is reading the news, checking out blogs, or watching videos – “research” is a key part of my writing process.

Step 2. Turn the kettle on and wait impatiently for that water to boil

Let’s face it, when you have to wait for something your mind becomes very work-orientated. Suddenly that mental to-do list you had been waving off into the distant parts of your mind become the top priority in the world.

Step 3. Switch on your computer and psyche yourself up for the intense work ahead of you

Again, the “waiting-focuses-the-mind-on-work” theory comes into play, along with the fact that you’re anticipating pure productivity to occur if only that computer would hurry up and start!

Step 4. Brew your tea

This is an important part of the process. Science has yet to prove that hot beverages increase productivity by 500% – but just trust me.

Step 5. Add some milk to your tea

I’d like to say this step is optional, but that would take away the Britishness of it all.

Step 6. Add a spoonful of sugar to your tea

To achieve perfection.

Step 7. Wait for your tea to cool down enough to not scald your tongue

An important part of being a writer is talking to yourself and anyone who would listen to your writing plans, this is why you should pop your cup of tea on your desk and patiently wait for it to become drinkable.

Step 8. Sit in front of your keyboard and complain internally about how hard being a writer is

Just as I am doing now…in my own special way.

Step 9. Write a few paragraphs following a moment of inspiration

Oh that spark of inspiration is invigorating, isn’t it? In an instant your mind is set on productivity fire and you type faster than lightning and you smile to yourself in pride.

Step 10. Feel quite chuffed with your hard work and return to step 1

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How to become an Art Consultant in 6 easy steps

1. Have an imagination.

2. Corner someone who is in need of a logo for something.

3. Scribble something mildly acceptable on a piece of paper.

4. Sign underneath.

5. Take a picture with your smartphone just in case they don’t pay you for the awesomeness you have provided – photographic evidence is important for court.

6. Fistpump the air and declare that you’re now an Art Consultant.

 

And there we have it. 6 easy steps to become an Art Consultant.

Now, enjoy the life of waltzing around galleries, getting away with the most bizarre fashions, and having an opinion about every little thing.

At least that’s what I’m hoping life will be like from now on. I must admit that in the last week that I have become a make-believe Art Consultant I’ve not really seen much of a change in my life. The news of my arrival must not have reached anyone outside of my body yet. I’ll just sit here in the meantime, making sense of the hue of paint slathered onto the wall in front of me, conjuring meaning from the apparent silent hype surrounding my new career move.

Yes, that’s a good plan.